The Todd’s Beer Time Hootenanny Mailbag

Today we’re opening the ol’ mailbag (and I think we all know how painful that can be) to answer some of your inquiries.

Jenny from Germantown writes:
“What’s it like to walk into a bar with Minor Local Celebrity John King?”

Imagine the Beatles taking the stage at Shea Stadium, only the Beatles are one guy wearing a child-sized t-shirt and Daisy Duke shorts; and instead of tens of thousands of screaming fans, you’re greeted by a couple of confused undergrads and a half-dozen beer nerds.

Roger from New Albany writes:
“What’s your favorite chain restaurant? Mine’s Olive Garden.”

Well, you obviously aren’t THAT Roger from New Albany…

Blaine from St Matthews writes:
“Why aren’t all beers hoppy, man? The hoppier the better.”

Oh, bro-ish hophead, you are my favorite beer enthusiast stereotype. Last year I volunteered at a beer festival and, when asked “What’s the hoppiest beer you got?” I replied by offering Hop Bro a New Holland Mad Hatter. It certainly wasn’t the hoppiest beer at the festival, but it was the hoppiest beer at that particular table. “That’s not hoppy,” he sneered dismissively. Why, yes, it is definitely hoppy. I didn’t agree to pour beer on my day off from pouring beer to have some punk who spent twenty minutes getting his hat to tilt at just the right angle tell me what’s hoppy. Son, I was drinking beer when you just a little kid watching your mom belittle the service staff at the Cheddar Box.

Sorry, went off on a tangent there for a minute, Blaine. To answer your question, all beers aren’t hoppy because beer is an art form, and artists don’t like to be told how to make art. There are Trappist monks who, if they hadn’t collectively sworn to a vow of pacifism, would be kicking your ass right now.

Rick from the Highlands writes:
“Since (liquor store redacted) didn’t save me any KBS, should I punish them by never shopping there again?”

Oh, by “shopping there” do you mean “constantly bugging the employees about rare beers and special releases only to come in, get the whale, and leave without buying anything else?” They won’t miss you.

Wade from Okolona writes:
“Man, if you don’t like Limp Bizkit you must be some kind of a hipster pansy bitch.”

That wasn’t actually a question, Wade. But nice try.

Reagie from NuLu writes:
“Quit trying to make HiPo happen. It’s not going to happen!”

Again, not a question. And damn, the truth hurts.

Stan from Jeffersonville writes:
“What is the best beer for driving around town with your shirt off?”

Stan, even though Jeffersonville is the unofficial shirtless driving capital of North America, you can’t consume alcohol while operating a motor vehicle. If I were you I’d buy a six pack of Stillwater Classique in cans, drive to your nearest neighborhood park or (more likely) WalMart parking lot, and drink two or three beers there; four if you’re a large person or a hopeless alcoholic with a high tolerance. Still illegal, BUT LESS SO.

Jessica from Buechel writes:
“My boyfriend is a homebrewer and wants to open his own brewery. Unfortunately, the beers he brews at home are universally terrible. His IPA tastes like a combination of Pine Sol and ball sweat, and his stout has the odor and mouthfeel of cesspool run-off. How can I stop him from wasting his time and his parent’s money on such a foolhardy enterprise?”

How long has he been brewing, Jessica? Give him another year or two to perfect the craft. Maybe he’ll get better. But if he doesn’t get noticeably better by then, THEN HE MUST BE STOPPED! By any means necessary, Jessica. Try to reason with him. but if that doesn’t work, you need to stage an intervention. Get all of his friends drunk on good beer and have them tell him how much his beer sucks. If that doesn’t convince him, you’ll have to resort to violence. You live in Buechel, you must know someone who’ll kill a guy.*

*Just kidding. While all neighborhoods have their problems, Buechel is full of honest, hard working people, as well as the fine Indian restaurant Dakshin. …THE MORE YOU KNOW…

Roger from J-town writes:
“What is your favorite beer event in Louisville?”

There are so many that I love, including Louisville Craft Beer Week, Zwanze Day at Holy Grale, any number of various bottle releases at Against the Grain, food truck fests at Apocalypse, etc. But my favorite “beer event” is when you get a few people together for a bottle share. You get to try beers you’ve never had before and you don’t have to worry about running into Hop Bro.

Editor’s Note: Be sure and listen to this week’s podcast featuring our very own, Todd Pharris!

  1. I like hoppy beers. Does that automatically make me a Hop Bro?

    – Eric (Highlands)


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