Let’s Review the Yelp Reviewers

Back in the Stone Age of going to bars and restaurants, if one was afforded poor product or service, one asked to speak to a manager, in a matter befitting an adult. These days, however, in The Age of Entitlement, people are quick to run to Yelp to air their grievances, real and imagined, significant and petty.

Fair enough, this is a free country. But, turnabout being fair play and all, let’s review the Yelp reviewers. In a perfect world, I would like for the bartenders, hostesses, and servers who have to deal with these pouty douchebags to be able to review the Yelpers themselves. I imagine it would go something like this: “Lady, we’re sorry we forgot to add extra ranch to your crunchy buffalo chicken salad, but let’s talk about YOU for a minute. You wore a tube top made for a much younger person, your children were all naked, you drank four well LITs in fifteen minutes, and you shouted ethnic slurs at our bus boy. I give you zero stars and urge you to dine elsewhere in the future.”

We’ll start by analyzing their reviews, which should also give us a glimpse into their dead souls.

These are all actual Yelp reviews of actual local establishments. I’m not going to name the places being insulted, but I will say all of these are one or two star reviews of places that have at least a four star average review. Also, as far as the amateur critics go, I’m only going to reveal the first initial and where they’re from, because some of them are probably litigious.

J, Cordova, TN
“If you drive a nice vehicle, you may want to consider taking a cab to (name withheld). The area surrounding the restaurant did not feel safe by any standards.”

J, since you seem to be afraid of actual neighborhoods, if you’re ever in Louisville again eat at the Cheddar’s in the Springhurst shopping center. There is a large parking lot for you and the other nice vehicles.

“It is in a low income residential area with abandoned buildings down the street.  It looked worse than New Orleans after Hurricane Katrina!”

Well, your Highness, we can’t all be from the gold-paved streets of Cordova, Tennessee. After making a witless Hurricane Katrina reference, J likes to dive Scrooge McDuck style into his vault of riches.

“It was EXTREMELY HOT inside. After waiting for about 25 minutes, we decided to find another option for dinner.”

HE DIDN’T F’ ING EAT THERE! The Mayor of Cordova gave a beloved local restaurant a one star review without tasting the food. Obviously J prances around his palatial estate followed by Southern Belles and their fluttering fans, so he couldn’t take a little heat.

D, Cincinnati, OH
“The host was a kidrock impersonating terror and ruined the entire experience was ruined with 6 of my friends. The was good but not worth the terrible service.”

That’s the entire review. I weep for the future. D, your sub moronic way of conveying thoughts via the written word ruined my day, as well as the collective day of the 6 people who’ll read this. There is a word/words missing between “The” and “was good” so I’m going to assume it’s supposed to be “food” and not “jackass circle jerk.” So the guy liked the food but gave the restaurant one star because the host reminded him of Kid Two Separate Capitalized Words Rock. Dude must really hate Bawitdaba.

K, Louisville
“The boyfriend and I walked into this place today wanting to somewhere new. Well we tried this place. Worst. Decision. Ever.”

Worst decision ever, K? There isn’t one questionable hookup in your past? You’ve either lead a stupefyingly boring life or you’re a filthy filthy liar. Either way, I’m guessing that, as long as he continues dating K, eating at this restaurant won’t be“the boyfriend’s” worst decision ever.

A, Chicago, IL
“­The Manhattan was way too strong and the old fashioned was bitter. Sadly, I’ve had better at a Ruby Tuesday. “

Yeah, if you want watered down, overly sweet drinks, Ruby Tuesday would be the place to go. Good call, Potsie.

B, Riverside, CA
“Way over-priced per taco. I am from california where you can purchase the same tacos for $1 each.”

B’s a real bargain hunter. How many $1 tacos do you have to eat in California to make up for the $1600 a month you pay for a studio apartment 50 miles from your job?

C, Los Angeles. CA
“Fail, Fail, Fail. Chips  and quac, BAD, margaritas, BAD, food, BAD, dessert , BAD. I was told this was the best mexican food in Louisvile. DISAPPOINTING TO THE EXTREME!!!!! Never going here again.”

For Yelp, this actually qualifies as constructive criticism. It was disappointing TO THE EXTREME!!!!! She must have had Mountain Dew with her meal. She used five exclamation points so you know she’s serious. You know what disappointed me? C’s inability to spell “Louisville.”

S, Louisville
“(My server) really should take the 9 cents that I left for a tip (along with the nice little note indicating that she was not worth an F’n dime) & improve her attitude. Otherwise, she could stand to get out of the service industry & maybe collect garbage where she belongs.”

I wasn’t at this establishment the night renowned master of wit S laid down that “not worth an F’n dime” zinger, but I’m going to go ahead and assume that she is a horrible excuse for a human being who has left her share of 9 cent tips and terrorizes service industry folk because her step dad had boundary issues. Not fair? Neither was the note she’s so proud of. If stiffing a server is such a grand accomplishment in your mind that you need to brag about it on social media, you might want to take a step back and examine your life.

As I read piles of complaints from various degrees of human garbage, the word “rude” was used quite a bit. Man, the word rude used to mean something. It meant the hostess calling your dad “bologna tits” or your server motioning the other servers over to group-mock your wine selection. Now, I’m afraid “rude” means something far more insidious. To a lot of the public, rude means “This person didn’t make me feel like the precious unique snowflake I know I am.” Why are some people so emotionally needy that everyone has to be their new best friend?

T, Orlando, FL
“So I’ve been traveling all day, since 430 am.  Worked all day.  Staying in Louisville, out of state, not from here.  Front desk suggests (name withheld) for a quick easy dinner.  Tired. dont want to go out.  I call (name withheld) and order.  THAT WAS 80 MINUTES AGO!    I call and they say my order isnt even made yet because of the game.  What game?  Why didnt someone think to tell me that it was a minimum two hour wait on a pizza for delivery when I told them I was in a hotel.  Im not from here. I dont give a darn about your game.”

You don’t give a darn about our game, T from Orlando? Well we don’t give a darn about Disney World, or your stupid opinion! The game’s on, tourist, so you’ll sit in your hotel room with your pud in your hand, wait for your pizza, and shut your sewer mouth, you non-apostrophe-using piece of crap. See, now THAT’S rude.

R, San Diego, CA
“Decent Gluten free options but they messed up my order and had to remake because they included Texas toast.”

There was Texas toast on your plate and they had to remake the dish? You know, maybe if a piece of bread on your plate can kill you, you’re supposed to die.

J, Bloomington, IN
J went to a place that only offers bar service, and bless his heart it confused him a little bit. In his insipid review, he willingly recounts the following exchange:

“Me: We don’t really understand how this works.  Do we seat ourselves?  How do we order?

Bartender: You order from me.

Me: Are there no servers?

Bartender: I’m the server.

My wife: This is confusing.

Bartender: Well, you just sit down, like you do at home.

Me: If I was at home, I would be comfortable.

And so we left…”

They say there is a person for everyone, and for once they may be right, because J found his wife. I’m sure he was lonely for years, just waiting for someone who was equally frightened and bewildered by the most ordinary of circumstances; and then one magic night he and the future Mrs. J met at a mutual friend’s wedding, both flabbergasted by the idea of a buffet.

I sorted through a lot of reviews for this article, and of course a lot of people, PROVIDED THEY TOLD THE WHOLE STORY, had legitimate complaints. But you’d be amazed at the absolute glee with which some people wrote their bad reviews, like they couldn’t wait to get home and badmouth a place. One local guy had over three hundred reviews, and I don’t think one of them was positive. Learn to cook if eating out is that much of a chore.

Was this yet another rant that has little to do with beer? Probably.



What's your take? Please comment below.